I Dream In Celebrity; And Of Rejection
For the past 3 nights, I've had dreams of her deceased father, Norman. He's been dead for what, 12 years? And it's still hard to see his name on something, like a the child support letters claiming I haven't complied with them. (Huh?) But back to the dreams.
On the first night, it was whispers that he was still alive. Hiding somewhere. Associates of his deliberately not talking to me.
The next night, pretty much the same, only I thought I saw him 'up ahead' and I was begging people to tell me where to find him. They all ignored me or looked at me with pity.
Then last night, so much subterfuge that it wasn't a matter of 'what if he's alive,' but more like 'why have you been so stupid for so long.' This time when I tried to get them to give me answers, they rebuffed me, saying I had broken his heart. I couldn't be trusted. I try to follow them, but am always discovered. Sent back, away from them.
But about half-way through the dream, one of them decides to talk with me. Everything was cryptic, but he spoke with me at least.
Strangely this friend who started to talk to me was Greg Grunberg (the cop on Heroes) who I remember seeing for the first time on Alias and noting how much he looked like Norman. This guy isn't just feeling me out but testing me. He doesn't accuse me of not loving Norman, but asks questions and makes me do tasks to prove that I'm worthy. He stares at me when I'm not looking. By the end of the dream I realize this guy is Norman. But just as I figure it out, I start to wake up. He's walking away and I can't reach him.
Now, these dreams make perfect sense. She's 18 and I'm wondering (again) if what I'm doing is the right thing (even if I know it is). And he's her father, so even if he never did much for her, I am drawn into wondering... Plus there's the whole matter of me not ever really being able to accept his death. It's easier to just imagine him living out there, away from us, as he did for the first 6 years of her life.
But the rejection & loss of the dreams creeps me out. And a (small) part of me wonders if he isn't trying to reach us for her birthday too...